I’ve been depressed for roughly a year or so, at how I’ll never be able to be myself whilst under my parents rule. The sad part is they don’t realize how their decisions are the cause of my depression, and while all of my therapists and psychiatrists agree that they are the problem, none have explicitly said so to my parents. I, on the other hand, have made sure to inform them that they are the problem, yet what does my opinion count in their mind?

Let me start by introducing who I am. I’m an honors student headed to an IB school, who generally gets straight As and the occasional B. I’ve won awards for my programming in robotics competitions, I have skills in music production, digital art and video production. I game in my free time, as well as compose music.

And a big part of me is my appearance, or rather it would be if I could.

I have long hair. I like to dye it fun colors, which took four months of therapy with my parents to accomplish. They still resist and change of color to my hair.
More importantly, I want to wear makeup. Practicing in secret, I’ve become very decent at it.

It’s very important to me, and not just superficial. Yet I don’t want to wear makeup because I’m gay (which I am, somewhat- more on that later), I don’t want to wear it to attract people, I don’t want to wear it because I feel transgender (which I don’t), I don’t want to wear it to be girly. I want to wear it to be beautiful. And while most people are on a tirade against outer beauty, it is very important to me.

My conservative christian mother and Italian catholic father, however, do not understand this. They don’t realize that my appearance means so much to me, and refuse to let me wear makeup, even after my many pleadings and teary depressive moments. This makes things difficult, as I won’t be able to wear makeup around them lest I risk getting in trouble, and furthermore, I have no monetary support- despite my sister getting whatever makeup she pleases with my parents money.

I just want to be myself, to be a pretty face, a Michael James, a Jeffree Star, a Sphirex; but I can’t. And while some may say it is silly, it leads me to suicidal thoughts.

Another, albeit smaller part of my depression is my sexuality. It is very confusing. I don’t like men, or masculinity at all. I find the female form much better to look at.

That being said, I can only imagine myself participating in submissive gay sex.

I think I’m only attracted to girly boys; that is, males who try to be beautiful, but aren’t full on transgirls/shemales. I also don’t like "sissy boys", that is, males who have a kink for girls clothes. What I want is a boy who strives to be pretty like myself, but not for a kink or because he’s really a woman in a males body.

My sexuality depresses me less because I oddly feel that my parents would be more accepting of it than my appearance. Regardless, I don’t want them thinking my appearance is triggered by my sexuality, or my sexuality by my appearance.

I’m lost. I’ve been through four therapists, and the first three haven’t been any help (and I’m still starting with the fourth.) My antidepressants don’t work.

I’m looking for ways to comfort myself, and ways to take control of MY life. Sure, my parents feed me, clothe me, provide me a home; but they don’t provide the emotional support I need and don’t appreciate how well-achieved and well-mannered I am compared to many other children.

I just want to be able to wear make-up. I just want to be pretty. How can I take control of my life?